A Gentle Book to Help a Child Say Goodbye

Plain Words Help Young Children

A few things are widely agreed on by people who support grieving children, and they are worth knowing before you write a word.

• Use the real word: died. Young children take words literally. A child told that Grandpa "went to sleep" can become afraid of sleep, and a child told he "went away" may keep waiting for him to come back. The American Academy of Pediatrics' parenting site advises against phrases like "gone to sleep" or "gone on a long journey" because young children think in literal terms (HealthyChildren.org), and Children's Hospital Colorado suggests explaining that when someone dies, their body stops working and they will not come back (their guide for parents).
• It is okay to feel sad, and okay to have happy moments too. Young children often grieve in short bursts. A child can cry at breakfast and ask to go to the park ten minutes later. A story can say that both are all right.
• Expect the same questions again. The same AAP page notes that with younger children you may need to answer the same questions many times. A book gives the same gentle answer each time, in the same words.
• Love and memories stay. "He is not here anymore, but his love is" is the kind of sentence a small child can hold on to. So is a memory they can name: the pancakes, the fishing hat, the song he always sang.

None of this is medical or therapy advice. We are a family that makes storybooks, not grief counselors. If you are worried about how your child is coping, their pediatrician is a good first call.

How to Write the Wish

You describe the story in your own words, and we write the twelve pages from it. For a goodbye book, your memories are the book. A wish with three real details will read like your family. A wish with none will read like anyone's.

1. Say what happened, simply. "A gentle story to help her understand that Grandpa died." You do not need to explain how, unless you want the book to.
2. Give two or three real memories. Fishing at the lake. Pancakes on Sunday mornings. The way he whistled. The dog's spot on the couch. The walk to the mailbox. One specific memory is worth more than a page of general ones.
3. Name the feelings. Sad, missing them, maybe confused or even angry. Say that all of them are okay, and that the grown-ups feel sad too.
4. Say what stays. Their love, the memories, the things they taught. Use the words your family would actually use, including any faith you want the book to reflect, or none.
5. End with something your child can do. Drawing a picture, planting a flower, looking at photos together, telling a story about them at dinner. An ending with something to do gives a small child a place to put the feeling.
6. Ask for it to stay gentle and true. A line like "no adventure and no magic, just gentle and true" keeps the story quiet. Some families would rather have a softer ending, a star in the night sky or a garden in bloom. That is your call, and you can ask for it.

Then add the characters. Your child is the hero, with their own photo. The grandparent or pet who died can be added with their own photo the same way, and so can a parent or a brother or sister. A book can hold up to five characters, people and pets together.

Two Gentle Places to Start

Each button opens our cover maker with the words already in the story idea box. Before you go on, change the memories to your own: the lake, the pancakes and the park are only there to show the shape. Change "Grandpa" to "Grandma," "Nana," "Opa," or whatever your child called them, and change the dog to the cat or the rabbit if that is who it was.

• When a grandparent has died

  Add your child and, if you would like, the grandparent, each with a photo.

  “A gentle story to help them understand that Grandpa died. Use the real word, died, and keep it simple and true. Show a few of the special things they loved doing together, like fishing at the lake and making pancakes on Sunday mornings. Show that it is okay to feel sad and to miss him, that the grown-ups are sad too, and that Grandpa's love stays with them always. End with them drawing a picture of Grandpa to keep. No adventure and no magic, just gentle and true.”

  Start with this idea

• When a family pet has died

  Add the pet with a photo if you have a clear one.

  “A gentle story to help them understand that our dog died. Use the real word, died, and keep it simple and true. Show a few of the things they loved doing together, like walks to the park, playing fetch, and naps in the sunny spot on the floor. Show that it is okay to feel sad and to cry, that everyone in the family misses her, and that the love they shared does not go away. End with them planting a flower to remember her. No adventure and no magic, just gentle and true.”

  Start with this idea

When the Goodbye Is Not Forever

Some goodbyes are about distance, not death: a grandparent who lives across the country or across an ocean, or a parent who will be away for months for military service or work. The same kind of book helps a child picture how the family stays close, and it gives them the day of coming home to look forward to.

• When someone they love lives far away

  For a grandparent who moved away or lives across the ocean. Add them with their photo.

  “A gentle story about missing Grandma, who lives far away. Show all the ways they stay close: video calls at breakfast, drawings sent in the mail, looking at the moon at night and knowing Grandma can see it too, and counting down the days on a calendar until the next visit. It is okay to feel sad after saying goodbye at the airport, and Grandma's love reaches them wherever they are. End with the happy day they see each other again.”

  Start with this idea

• When a parent is away for a long time

  For a military deployment or a long stretch of work far from home. Change Mom to Dad if that fits.

  “A gentle story about Mom being away for a long time for her work, and coming home again. Show the goodbye hug, the ways they stay close while she is gone, like video calls, a recorded bedtime story, and a paper chain with one link to take off each day, how the family keeps doing the everyday things together, and that it is okay to miss her and to feel sad or grumpy sometimes. End with the happy day Mom comes home.”

  Start with this idea

Before You Read It Together

• Read it yourself first. The free preview shows the cover and the first two pages, words and pictures, before you pay anything. Once the whole story is written, read every page before your child does, and change anything that does not sound like your family. If a picture does not feel right, it can be drawn again.
• Let your child lead. Some children want it every night for a week and then not for a month. Some want to skip straight to the happy pages. All of that is fine.
• It is okay to cry while you read it. Seeing a grown-up be sad and still be okay is part of what the book is for.
• There is no rush. The digital book can be read on a tablet or phone as soon as it is ready. A printed copy is only made after you have looked through the finished book and approved it, and it then takes about two to three weeks to arrive, longer outside the US.

When the Reader Is a Grown-Up

Grown-ups grieve too, and the same kind of book can be made for an adult: a story about a husband for the wife who misses him, or about a mother for her grown children. Adults can be the hero of a book, not just a side character. Our page on tribute books is written for honoring someone who shaped you, and most of it applies.

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